As I was reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I learned an invaluable insight which made me look into the problems that my husband and I are experiencing.
According to the book, there are two kinds of marital problems. These are solvable problems and perpetual problems.
I. Solvable Problems
Solvable problems are focused on a specific problem and situation. It can be resolved through respectful communication and compromise.
In our marriage, some of the problems that fall in this category are when are we going to buy our own house, how much to invest in stocks and whether we will homeschool yesha or not.
In all those three cases we were iniially on the opposite ends but we managed to meet in the middle through compromise and respectful communication.
Click here to see Tips in solving solvable problems with your spouse.
II. Perpetual Problems
Perpetual problems are issues that keep on recurring all throughout your married life. Meaning even after 3-5 years of marriage, the problem that you keep on complaining about doesn’t go away.
This conflict maybe rooted from personality and temperamental differences, from values and convictions that stemmed from our life experiences that made us who we are.
The way to deal with this problem is through acceptance and adjustment. Accepting the person we chose to be with for the rest of our life, warts and all. Adjustment with our own preferences and expectations.
I’ve always been bothered by my husband’s low frustration level and perfectionist attitude toward himself. It is due to this attitude that he finds it difficult to continue and persevere on whatever endeavor that he chooses, thus he always tend to quit. Fortunately we have found a family business that we are now nurturing and embracing.
I have always been reminding myself of the fact that we cannot have the best of both worlds. That both I and Melbert came in a package with strengths and weaknesses. And whether our marriage will work or not depends on how we strive to accept each other and on how we look on the positive side of one another’s qualities.
Knowing the two kinds of marital conflicts can alleviate the burden and pressure on uour shoulders, because instead of focusing your energy on solving the unsolvable perpetual problems or trying to change your partner to someone he’s not, you can start focusing on acceptance and letting go of some believes that have been holding you back.
Acceptance is never easy especially if it can be bothersome and burdensome, but it makes a big difference in the harmony of marriage. Bear in mind, that we too need acceptance for the shortcomings and character flaws that we have.