There are married individuals who feel emotionally connected to their spouses. When they are stressed, they are confident that their spouses have their back and will make an effort to support them. When they share something about themselves, they know that they will be heard, seen, and responded to. In short, they feel loved and secured in their marriages.
Meanwhile, there are individuals who don’t know where they stand in their marriage. They do not feel secure whether their spouse truly support them nor love them. They either keep the emotional insecurity to themselves or engage in protest behaviors through keeping fights and arguments. They are unsure whether their emotional needs such as approval, attention, and appreciation will be met by their partners. The differences among these married individuals lie on their marital attachment style.
Marital attachment styles, or is commonly called attachment styles, refers to the way we bond or form relationship with our partners. It influences how we make ourselves emotionally available and our sensitivity in giving support among others.
Researchers on relationships identified 4 main relationship attachment styles and their characteristics:
1. Secure Attachment Style
- Have a positive view of self and positive view of partner. [1]
- Values closeness with others but is not
overly dependent on them, and is comfortable both with being intimate and with being autonomous.[1] - Knows how to request support when stressed and how to provide support when spouse is stressed [2]
- Maintains close proximity to the partner [2], making themselves emotionally and/or physically available as much as possible.
- In managing conflicts, they are more likely to compromise and and integrate their ideas with their partner [3].
2. Anxious Attachment Style
- Have negative view of self but positive view of partner.[1]
- Value closeness with others, but who, due to low self evaluation, are often too emotionally dependent on partner and overly concerned about not being treated fairly in the relationship. They sometimes cling to partner and can become obsessive about them. [1]
- Their caregiving behaviors
may be inconsistent, intrusive, and out of sync with their partner’s needs. [2] - In conflict resolution, they are more prone to oblige to their partner’s wishes [3]
- Experience more anger and hostility toward their partners when discussing an area of conflict in their close relationships [6]
- Are vigilant and sensitive to the emotional expression of their partner. They may easily jump to conclusion making them prone to inaccurate interpretation, therefore experiencing greater relationship conflicts [7]
3. Fearful Attachment Style
- Have negative view of self and negative view of partner.[1]
- Desire closeness with partner but are afraid of being hurt, so they tend to withdraw from intimate interactions with spouse.[1]
4. Avoidant Attachment Style
- Have a positive view of self and negative view of partner.[1]
- Have the low regard for intimacy and attachment, viewing their own autonomy as more important than cultivating close relationship with spouse [1]
- Appears dismissive of their partner’s emotional needs. Appears reluctant and angry when partner is in need of support.[2].
- Do not seek emotional or physical proximity with their partner, and therefore almost always unavailable to their spouse.
- In conflict resolution, they are less likely to integrate their ideas with their partners compared with the secure, and are less likely to give in to their partner’s wishes compared with the preoccupied. [3].
- Overinvolved or addicted to any of these activities: work, video gaming, celfone use, gambling, womanizing, substance use, alcohol, sports, religious work.
How Attachment Styles Formed
Attachment styles were originally formed during our childhood years with our very first love relationship, that is, with our parents and primary caregivers. If our primary caregivers were sensitive to our needs (emotional and physical) then we are more likely to trust our caregivers that they are there for us. Thus, we are more likely to develop a secure attachment style.
On the other hand, if our caregivers were inconsistent in their presence and support, we will become uncertain if they are truly there for us. This will then lead to an insecure attachment style.
And if the caregiver is consistently unavailable emotionally and physically, then we will learn to suppress our emotional needs and refrain ourselves from needing others. This will develop into an avoidant or dismissive attaxchment style.
The relational style we received from the significant adults in our lives during childhood will become the blueprint where we will base our relationship style with our partners [4].
The Anxious – Avoidant Combination
By some twist of fate, those with anxious attachment styles are most of the time attracted to and get married with individuals with avoidant attachment styles [5]. If you’re in this situation, I suggest that you try to talk with your spouse (in a peaceful manner) about the different types of attachment styles and seek ways on how to be more available with each other without compromising your individual needs such as connection for anxious and personal space for avoidant. Another thing is you can also meet a marriage counselor to help you learn how to strengthen your emotional bond and improve your conflict resolution skills.
If all of these fails and you are the anxious one, I suggest that you seek personal healing for yourself, find your happiness and fulfillment, lessen your expectations from your spouse, and learn to be emotionally indpendent.
REFERENCES
[1]Bello, R. S., Brandau-Brown, F. E., & Ragsdale, J. D. (2008). Attachment style, marital satisfaction, commitment, and communal strength effects on relational repair message interpretation among remarrieds. Communication Quarterly, 56(1), 1-16.
[2] Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2001). Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of personality and social psychology, 80(6), 972.
[3] Pistole, M. C. (1989). Attachment in adult romantic relationships: Style of conflict resolution and relationship satisfaction. Journal of social and personal relationships, 6(4), 505-510.
[4] Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2006). A behavioral systems approach to romantic love relationships: Attachment, caregiving, and sex. The new psychology of love, 35-64.
[5] Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.
[6] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 19-24.
[7] Chris Fraley, R., Niedenthal, P. M., Marks, M., Brumbaugh, C., & Vicary, A. (2006). Adult attachment and the perception of emotional expressions: Probing the hyperactivating strategies underlying anxious attachment. Journal of personality, 74(4), 1163-1190.
