Do you feel alone in your marriage? Do you feel that sense of void and physical ache, that never seems to go away? Perhaps you’re wondering why you’re feeling that way with your spouse.
If you don’t have a model of a satisfying and happy marriage, it would be hard to identify and address what is missing in your marriage. You don’t have an idea of what couples do and don’t do in a happy and unhappy marriage.
1. Respond to your bids of connection.
For example, if you share about your day or something interesting that caught your interest, they will listen and show interest on what you were saying. They may nod their heads, ask questions, or join you. Someone who has a pattern of dismissiveness will make you feel lonely and alone in the marriage.
2. Support you during stress.
Research shows that when a married individual.is stressed, the first person they would come to for support is their spouse. This is especially true for wives. A supportive partner will not minimize your stress, not be angry at you for asking support, not blame you that you get caught up in that stress, not ignore you. If your request of support is consistently being rebuffed, you will refram from asking support again.
3. Know and remember facts about you.
Couples in a happy marriage try to remember facts about each other. A loving spouse will remember facts about your past (ex: your childhood history), facts about your present (ex. how you want your egg cooked, your preoccupation), facts about your future (ex. your dreams and aspiration). When your spouse do this, it’s like they are holding a space for you in their mind and heart.
4. Fond of you and delight in you.
Your spouse has positive feelings about you like delight and fondness. It will be apparent when they are talking about (or think about you). They are not critical or contemptuous of you, not resenting you.
5. Resolve conflicts
If you have emotional connection and feel secure with your spouse, you easily can resolve conflicts and can even tease or joke about those conflicts which are perpetual or conflicts that wont go away.
One spouse will never meet 100% of his/her partner. They will certainly miss some needs. However, it doesn’t have to an empty cup either, wherein you’re just trying to emotionally survive.
A constant state of being disconnected to your spouse will give you a feeling of not being seen and heard. These will then give you a sense that you don’t matter.
It maybe helpful to try to improve your marriage by reading marriage articles together or going to marriage counseling. However, if your spouse is not willing to work on it, and you want to stay, you may want to try to look for emotional connection with safe people such as your members of family-of-origin and friends. You may also look for meaning and purpose by pursuing a vocation.