Being in a marriage feels like living in a house that makes us feel at home. There are feelings of comfort, safety, and security. According to attachment theory, these feelings are important in fostering a secure relationship. Marital researchers suggest that marriage also displays the three characteristics of attachment which are safe haven, secure base, and proximity maintenance. If you don’t know what this feels like, think of a secure relationship as similar to living in safe and warm home.
A home is like a safe haven.
A safe haven is a person or place where we feel safe and protected from harm, both physically and emotionally. It’s a place we can retreat to when we feel stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. In married life, there are hassles and stressors we encounter from our responsibilities and other relationships. Our spouses is the first person we turn to for support and comfort when we are distressed.
A home is also like a secure base.
A secure base is a person or place that provides a sense of stability and confidence, allowing us to explore the outside world and pursue our goals. It’s a place from which we can venture out and return to when needed. Outside marriage, we pursue our individual goals and fulfill our other responsibilities. We explore the world and engage in plans and activities that promote our self-growth. At the end of the day, we return to our marriage for rest, connection, and company.
A home needs maintenance
In order to ensure the quality of our home and living, efforts must be made to maintain it. We regularly clean it so that it’s comfortable to live in. When the doorlock is broken, we fix it to ensure our security. Similarly, in marriage there are 4Cs that we need to do to maintain the quality of our relationship, namely, connection seeking, communication, conflict resolution, caregiving.
– Connection Seeking: In marriage, we seek closeness to our spouses, both physically and emotionally. We try to spend time with each other other by engaging in an activity together and by telling them about the happenings in our individual lives.
– Communication: When experiencing stress, our spouse is the first person we go to to seek support. We openly express our needs and feelings, and seek reassurance and understanding from them.
– Caregiving: When our partners express need for support, we provide them with help and comfort. We do things that make them feel better like listening to their problem, providing encouragement, and doing practical help.
– Conflict Resolution: In marriage, disagreements are inevitable. Thus, we work through these disagreements constructively by focusing on the problems and not attacking our spouse’s character.
Similar to being at home, our marriage is our safe haven and secure base wherein we maintain our proximity with our spouse. Our spouse is a source of comfort and support during stressful times. They are a resting place after a day we can return to after pursuing our personal goals and responsibilities. Finally, we maintain our closeness by seeking connection, communication, caregiving, and constructive conflict resolution.
Leave a Reply