Healing from infidelity is not a linear journey. It is a long, slow, and arduous process that unfolds layer by layer. First, you go through shock and survival, then through slow understanding, and then perhaps reconciliation. Combining the works of Gordon & Baucom (2010) and Gottman provides a clear and compassionate path. This is the the “4 A’s” of healing after betrayal. These are: Attend, Atone, Attach, and Attune.
Let me walk you through them, not as stages you pass once, but as processes you may cycle through again and again, each time a little deeper.
1. Attend: Tending to Post-Infidelity Stress
The effects of betrayal on you is not just mental and emotional, it is also biological. A partner who has been cheated on often experiences symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which includes intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, hypervigilance, sleep issues, and obsessive mental replaying. As one book says, “this is not drama, it’s trauma.”
And so the first step is not to jump into fixing the relationship. It’s simply to attend. To notice. To sit with the pain. The unfaithful partner is called to witness this pain, by going through it with the betrayed partner, and not minimize it or rush past it. The betrayed partner is invited to care for their nervous system – to rest, to breathe, to stabilize, and to name what hurts.
Healing starts by making space for the pain, without trying to silence it.
2. Atone: Taking Responsibility and Expressing Remorse
Atone is not the same as apologize. Apologies can be words. Atonement is a posture. According to Dr. John Gottman, atonement means the unfaithful partner fully owning the betrayal without defensiveness, excuses, or minimization, and showing genuine remorse through words and consistent behavior. It is not a one-time apology, rather it is an ongoing process of accountability, empathy, and truth-telling.
It is a deep, ongoing willingness to bear the weight of what was broken. It involves full transparency, which means no trickle truth, no minimizing. The unfaithful partner must earn trust back through consistent accountability.
This may include answering painful questions, creating new boundaries, and being fully open about digital and real-life behaviors.
True atonement also means making sense of why the infidelity happened without blaming the betrayed partner. It is not about blaming childhood or marriage problems either. It is about showing the capacity to reflect and take ownership.
And perhaps the most healing part of atonement is when the unfaithful partner becomes an ally in the betrayed partner’s healing, instead of a defender of their own image. The unfaithful partner becomes the healing agent.
3. Attune: Rebuilding Emotional Connection
When the betrayed partner begins to feel a small sense of safety or trust starting to return, even if it’s still shaky, the couple can begin to attune. Slowly. Gently. Like learning to hear each other again after a long silence.
Attunement means being emotionally responsive. It means knowing what your partner needs and offering it with tenderness. It’s the small moments: eye contact, checking in, offering comfort during triggers.
It also means the hurt partner is allowed to still have feelings.
The repair is not just about the event of the infidelity, but the relational gaps that may have existed before it.
This phase allows both partners to explore:
How can we become better friends again?
How can we speak each other’s emotional language?
Can we handle hard feelings without shutting down or blaming?
Without attunement, reconciliation feels forced, and the betrayed partner feels something is lacking. With attunement, the relationship may begin to soften and open again.
4. Attach: Restoring Safety and Rebuilding a Shared Life
Finally, if the wounds have been acknowledged and tended, and emotional connection restored, the couple can begin to attach again.
This isn’t just about sex or saying “I love you.” It’s about creating shared rituals, rebuilding a sense of us. It’s about deciding, together, who we want to be moving forward.
Attachment is about anchoring safety again. It’s about being able to say:
“I know you’re there for me.”
“I trust you with my heart.”
“I believe we are on the same team.”
The attachment process may also involve setting new shared values, repairing sexual intimacy slowly, and making room for hope without rushing forgiveness.
Final Thoughts
Healing from infidelity is possible, but only if both are willing to do the hard work. The betrayed partner is not expected to move on quickly, and the unfaithful partner is not sentenced to shame forever. Both are human. And with the 4 A’s, “Attend, Atone, Attune, Attach” they may walk a path that does not erase the past but chooses to build something honest, stronger, and more deeply loving in its wake.
References:
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01236.x
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
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