A married person may sometimes find themselves feeling an intense attraction or emotional fixation toward someone other than their spouse. It may feel like love, but it isn’t the kind of love rooted in commitment or sacrifice. It’s not agape, the selfless love that gives without expecting in return. And it’s not merely eros, the physical or sexual desire.
In psychology, this experience is called limerence, a term coined by researcher Dorothy Tennov. It describes that euphoric, obsessive feeling of infatuation, which is marked by daydreaming, longing, and emotional dependence on how the other person responds. Limerence can be powerful, but it’s not always anchored in reality. Understanding it for what it is can be the first step in choosing wisely.
According to Tenov, limerence is “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” In a way, it is similar to infatuation.
Involuntary here means that it is brought by a biochemical reaction. The brain produces hormones of serotonin, dopamine, and norepeniphrine, the last one being referred as the love hormone. These hormones provide a feeling of happiness and excitement among others.
Being in this blissful experience is somehow similar to addiction and intoxication. Experts said that this state of being in limerence or infatuation usually last between one to two years.
Getting to know someone and experiencing limerence is like contracting a viral disease. The individual experiences intrusive thoughts about the other person , increased heartbeat in the presence of Limirent Object, among others.
Falling in limirence is a problem when the individuals are in a committed relationship. But it doesn’t mean that when you’re in limirence, you are helplessly in love or is bound to cheat. Though we are strongly influenced by our unconscious, physiological urges, we are still human beings with free will, self-control, and proactive choice.
So if you’re in a committed relationship, here are some ways you can cope with limirence and not fall into temptation.
1. Acknowledge and accept the limerence.
Do not be guilty if you found yourself in a state of limerence with someone else. The truth is, even in committed relationships, it’s still possible to feel drawn to another person. And often, the more we try to suppress those feelings, the more they linger. By gently acknowledging and accepting what’s happening, you create space to respond with clarity and intention—rather than shame or denial.
2. Avoid staying alone with the limirent object.
One client, who was already in a committed relationship, shared that she had made a firm decision to distance herself from her limerent object—an officemate. But whenever they were left alone, whether in the office or during a car ride, her resolve would begin to falter. In those quiet, unguarded moments, boundaries blurred, and physical affection would follow.
Thus, it is wise not to let yourself be left alone with the other person.
3. Limit personal interactions with limirent object.
If your limerent object is someone you work with, keep your interactions strictly professional. Avoid asking or entertaining personal questions like, “What happened to you yesterday?” or “You seem sad, is something bothering you?”
These kinds of exchanges –though they may seem harmless — invite emotional intimacy. When two people begin to meet each other’s emotional needs consistently, a deeper emotional bond forms. And over time, that bond can quietly grow into an emotional affair.
4. Focus on your spouse and marital relationship
Falling into limerence can happen for many reasons—maybe your relationship feels dull, life has grown monotonous, you’re going through a vulnerable season, or it’s simply a strong physiological pull you didn’t expect.
Whatever the cause, it’s important to pause and remember this truth: around 90% of what you truly need and value in a life partner is already in your spouse. Risking that 90% for the fleeting thrill of the remaining 10% is never worth it. That wisdom comes from a renowned writer and preacher, Bo Sanchez. It’s a perspective that brings clarity when emotions feel confusing.
So instead of feeding the limerence by deepening your connection or friendship with limerent object, turn your attention back to your own marriage. Focus on what is good, true, and steady in your partner. You may seek marriage counseling to bring back life and spark into you relationship.
Limerence may feel exciting, but real love is built through intentional nurturing. Choose to cultivate emotional closeness, shared joy, and meaningful connection with your spouse. Invest in your relationship so it becomes not just secure, but also fulfilling and alive.
5. Focus on your work or self-growth
If you find yourself feeling unfulfilled with life—and limerence seems to be adding color to an otherwise gray and dull season—pause and look deeper. That longing for excitement or aliveness doesn’t have to be answered by another person. You can choose to bring that vibrance back into your life in healthy, life-giving ways.
Pursue something you’re passionate about. Enroll in that course you’ve been putting off. Join that organization you’ve been eyeing. Explore a hobby, a cause, a space where your soul can stretch and breathe. Not only will it help shift your focus away from the limerent pull, but it will also nourish your sense of self—and maybe even refresh the way you relate with your partner.
Final Thought
Limerence may feel overwhelming, confusing, even exhilarating, but it is not a reflection of your deepest truth. It’s a signal. A signal that something in you longs to feel more alive, more seen, more connected. The answer is not in chasing what’s fleeting, but in returning to what is real.
You have the power to choose where you place your attention, your time, and your heart. Instead of feeding the fantasy, invest in what truly matters — your marriage, your growth, your values. Because lasting love isn’t built on chemistry alone, but on commitment, intention, and the quiet decision to stay grounded in what is already good.
Leave a Reply