As a new mom I didn’t know when my instinct was kicking in, I’m not even sure how should it feel. One time when I noticed my daughter who was slightly bending down with her hands on her knees — a pose which she does not usually do — I decided not to fuss over it and ignore whatever “that feeling.”
I rationalized that maybe she’s just staring on something down the floor, and that it will soon pass. I didn’t investigate further the reason behind that unusual pose, until it took her more minutes on that same position. That’s then I soon found out that her stomach was hurting, and so I rushed her to the bathroom. The good thing is that it was nothing major. That time, I wasn’t sure what instinct is, how it feels, or if I could really trust it.
In marriage, the phrase “a woman’s instinct is always right” is ofentimes associated with a cheating husband. It is when a wife started noticing or sensing something different about her spouse, but then at times shove it under the rug because the “feeling” seems illogical and has no rational basis. But then when the tragedy of infidelity strikes up, some wives started blaming themselves for ignoring what is already under their nose.
So what is instinct really? How do you know if something that you feel is instinct? How can you differentiate instinct from paranaoia?
Instinct
Our primitive mind is constantly on the guard to keep us from safety and avoid harm. Instinct or intuition is our mind’s subtle, non-verbal way of communicating with us. Our mind seems to be expertly responding and taking in the patterns in our environment without us consciously knowing1. So instinct or intuition happens when our brain draws on past experiences and realizes that something is amiss.
In the case of your spouse, you know their habits, mannerisms, routines, interests, and rhythm like the back of your hands. You can’t even name all of them, but you know them, sense them, and are used to them. One mild shift from these patterns is enough for you to sense or pick it up.
It’s not always a sign of infidelity. Sometimes it’s just a new hobby, a personal reinvention, or a phase. But if that change is paired with other subtle changes, like the way they talk or behave with you, then it’s worth tuning in and asking yourself, “What am I sensing? What am I picking up here?”
Others described a change in social media usage. For example an increased time of media use when they were previously uninterested in using it.
Others feel the increase in silence growing in their relationship –fewer updates, less sharing. Still others pick up on how their partner now avoids using their phone around them, which is something that never used to happen.
When this “gut feeling” surge over us, sometimes the best response is to allow our mind to respond for us, not to push it aside, nor argue with it. It helps to put into words our intuitive experience: I don’t feel comfortable about this situation, something’s different about them. Why might that be? Often, simply recognizing and verbalizing our internal experiences is enough to add clarity1.
How is it different from paranoia?
In one online forum, a certain wife who was always reading about infidelity started to suspect that her husband might be having an affar. She started interpreting some of her old husband’s behaviour in a negative way which made her anxious, she questioned herself as to whether she should worry or not.
We all have bouts of paranoia at times, but unlike instinct which happens automatically, paranoia is a consistent, unfounded view that others want to hurt us in some way or that something awful is going to happen. It’s marked by a tendency to interpret neutral situations with a negative slant2.
Paranoia happens when we try to make sense of an idea and evidences we created, and then project it to the people around us. We apply the events in the world in our own lives just like the worried wife above who kept on reading about infidelity. While instinct is a subconscious and non-emotional reaction, paranoia is a preconscious one and is rooted from a certain emotion like fear3 – may it be perceived or real – or from past traumatic events.
Final Thoughts
To reiterate, instinct is our mind’s subtle, non-verbal way of communicating with us. Its purpose is to help us accurately read the environment and other people, in order to avoid harm and thre. But there’s a thin line between instinct and paranoia. Instinct is an autmatic knowing or sensing, in which the trigger comes from the external. Paranoia is triggered from the internal — a fear, a past trauma — that we project onto our neutral external environment.
In the end, maternal instinct, wifely intuition or gut feeling is an inner sensing that we must attend to when it strikes us even when we least expect it. We need not always react on it impulsively, but we can respond to it appropriately.
References:
1. Smith S. The user’s guide to the human mind: Why our brain makes us unhappy, anxious, and neurotic and what can we do about it. Oakland; New Harbinger Publications:2011.
2. Booth S. A slew of suspects [Internet]. [Place unknown]Psychology Today; 2011 [updated 2012 Jan 2; cited 2011 Nov 1].
3. Campbell M. & Morrison, A. The subjective experience of paranoia: Comparing the experiences of patients with psychosis and individuals with no psychiatric history. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. 2007; 14: 63-77.
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