It can feel very heavy when you wake up and realize you are still in the same cycle. Maybe your husband cheats again and again, and the betrayal sits in your chest like a stone. Maybe the emotional abuse has numbed you, making you doubt your own voice. Or maybe you are financially tied, unable to imagine how to live without him. Some of you are even in marriages where your body carries the marks of his anger.
And yet you stay. Not because you want to, but because leaving right now feels impossible. Dependence. Fear. Children. Family pressure. Survival.
This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can become a gentle companion. It doesn’t demand you to leave today, nor to pretend everything is fine. Instead, ACT helps you breathe again inside the storm. It gives you ways to love yourself, to reconnect to what matters to you, even while you are still in this hard place.
And as a Catholic individual, I believe God can meet you here, too. ACT does not replace His presence, it gives language and practices that can be paired with His Word, so that you can still find your footing, one breath at a time.
The Six Pillars of ACT, through Faith and Marriage Struggles
1. Acceptance – Allowing What Is
Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with his cheating, his cruelty, or his fists. It means letting yourself admit, “This is my reality right now. I am hurting.”
When he insults you, your instinct may be to deny your pain just to survive. But ACT invites you to soften into it: Yes, these words wounded me. By naming the pain, you stop wasting energy fighting against your own feelings.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
Acceptance is opening your heart to God in the middle of your hurt, knowing He is close when you feel most broken.
2. Cognitive Defusion – Untangling From Your Husband’s Words And Behaviors
Abusers often plant lies in our minds: “You’re nothing without me.” “No one will want you.” “You deserve this.”
Defusion means learning to see these as thoughts, not truths. For example, instead of “I’m worthless,” practice saying: “I’m having the thought that I’m worthless.”
That tiny shift creates distance. You are not what he says. You are the one hearing the thought, not the thought itself.
“For we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
You don’t have to absorb every lie spoken over you. You can hand it to God and let His truth remain.
3. Present-Moment Awareness – Returning to Now
When betrayal or abuse happens, your mind can spin endlessly – replaying last night’s fight, fearing tomorrow’s rage.
Grounding in the present gives you back a little peace.
While cooking, notice the smell of garlic and onion sizzling.
While folding laundry, feel the fabric in your hands.
While sitting alone, breathe in and out slowly, naming: “Here I am. Right now, I am safe.”
“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
God meets us in the stillness of this moment, not in yesterday’s wounds, not in tomorrow’s fear, but here and now.
4. Self-as-Context – You Are More Than This Marriage
A toxic husband may try to reduce you to a role: the weak wife, the dependent one. But ACT teaches that you are not your pain. You are the container, the sky, holding both storms and sunlight.
Even if today you are weeping, there is still a larger “you” who watches, who remembers, who hopes. That self cannot be touched by his betrayal or his rage.
“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)
Your deepest identity is not in his labels or in your suffering, it is hidden safely in Christ.
5. Values – Your Inner Compass
Even if you cannot leave yet, you can still live by what matters to you. Ask yourself, “what kind of wife, woman, or mother do I want to be, despite his actions?”
- If you value dignity, you can speak gently to yourself, even if he mocks you.
- If you value nurturing, you can give your children warmth, even if he is cold.
- If you value faith, you can still pray, light a candle, whisper scripture to your own heart.
Values are the compass that remind you, “This is who I am, regardless of him.”
“But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)
Even if your husband does not walk in your values, you can still align your steps with the Lord.
6. Committed Action – Small Steps Toward Life
ACT always ends in movement, not grand escapes, but small, steady steps.
- Starting a secret savings jar, even with coins, for the value of financial security.
- Calling a trusted friend once a week, when you value connection.
- Reading a book that grows your courage, for valuing self-growth.
- Taking a walk to feel your body strong beneath you, when you value physical health.
These are not acts of rebellion. They are acts of love – commitments to your future self.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” (Proverbs 31:25)
Small steps taken today, in alignment with God and your values, build the strength that carries you into tomorrow.
A Final Word
If you are in physical danger, please know that ACT is not a substitute for safety. Reach out when and if you can, to trusted people, hotlines, or shelters. But for the days when leaving is not yet possible, ACT can give you back a sense of you.
And with God by your side, your suffering is never wasted. He sees. He knows. And He is still writing your story.
You are not just surviving, you are still becoming. And little by little, as you learn to breathe again, you will remember that your life is not over. You are still here.
Reference:
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
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