Many people come to marriage counseling frustrated and tired, saying things like, “Why can’t my spouse just get it right? Why do they keep letting me down?”

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. We all want our spouses to meet our needs and to understand us completely. But the truth is no one can be perfect all the time. The good news is that they do not have to be.

This idea comes from British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott who introduced the concept of the “good enough mother” (Winnicott, 1953). He explained that a mother does not have to meet every single need of her child exactly right. Instead she only needs to respond well enough most of the time. When she does this the child learns how to handle small disappointments and grow into a capable person.

We can apply this same wisdom to marriage. You do not need a perfect spouse. You need a spouse who is good enough. Below are the key traits of a good enough spouse and why learning to see your partner this way can bring more peace to your marriage.

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1. A Good Enough Spouse Shows Up Consistently

Winnicott believed children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are there for them most of the time in a reliable and caring way (Winnicott, 1960).

Marriage works the same way. A good enough spouse may sometimes forget things or say the wrong words, but they stay invested and committed. What really matters is their willingness to repair after mistakes and keep coming back to the relationship. Research shows that couples who reconnect after conflict have stronger relationships than those who avoid or withdraw completely (Gottman and Silver, 1999).

Reference:
Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The theory of the parent-infant relationship. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585–595.

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2. A Good Enough Spouse Tries to Understand You

Just as a good enough mother tunes in to her baby’s needs a good enough spouse makes an effort to understand what their partner is feeling. This does not mean they always get it right or agree with you. It means they notice your emotions and try to respond in ways that make you feel seen and heard.

According to research emotional responsiveness is a key predictor of marital satisfaction (Gottman and Silver, 1999). The simple act of turning toward your partner when they reach out to you builds trust over time.

Reference:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.

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3. A Good Enough Spouse Gives You Space to Be Yourself

Winnicott taught that children thrive when they feel safe enough to explore the world while knowing they can come back to their caregiver for support (Winnicott, 1965).

In marriage a good enough spouse supports your individuality and lets you have your own interests and goals. Healthy couples are able to maintain both closeness and a sense of self. Research shows that when spouses allow each other room for independence they are more satisfied in their relationships (Aron et al., 2004).

Reference:
Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Tudor, M., & Nelson, G. (2004). Close relationships as including other in the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(2), 241–253. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.60.2.241

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4. A Good Enough Spouse Accepts Imperfection

Winnicott reminded parents not to strive for perfection. He believed children benefit when caregivers allow them to experience small frustrations and learn to adapt (Winnicott, 1953).

In marriage both partners have flaws. A good enough spouse does not expect perfection from you and it helps when you extend the same grace to them. Research on forgiveness in marriage shows that couples who can let go of minor mistakes and accept each other’s limitations are happier over time (Fincham and Beach, 2007).

Reference:
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2007). Forgiveness and marital quality: Prevalence and relationship to marital functioning. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(1), 72–81. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.1.72

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5. A Good Enough Spouse Keeps Trying to Grow

Finally a good enough spouse is not someone who never makes mistakes but someone who keeps learning from them. Marriage is a lifelong process of growing and adjusting. Studies show that couples who believe they can work through problems and improve over time tend to stay together and feel more satisfied (Lavner et al., 2016).

Reference:
Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Do cold feet warn of trouble ahead? Premarital uncertainty and four-year marital outcomes. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(1), 75–84. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000142

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Conclusion

Your spouse does not need to be perfect to be good for you. Just like children need good enough parents spouses need partners who care who try who repair and who keep showing up.

Instead of focusing on where your spouse falls short you might try noticing where they already are good enough. With that perspective you can reduce frustration and create more space for love and growth in your marriage.