Our culture is collectivist in nature, wherein we value tight-knit families and pakikisama with our relatives. Marriage here is never just about the couple. Instead, a couple’s relationship is embedded in the wider web of extended family relationships — with parents, siblings, titos and titas, even cousins. The importance of this connection can be seen when families gather for birthdays and holidays, when grandparents or relatives help care for their children, and when financial or emotional support is given to family members.
Being in a collectivist community helps us feel connected, gives us a sense of belonging, and protects us from feeling isolated. But while being closely connected has its positives, there are also negatives when no boundaries are set.
Couples often raise concerns about five common issues:
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Decision-making being influenced by in-laws. Parenting choices, discipline, and even the choice of school can be questioned or overruled.
“My mother-in-law insists we raise our baby the ‘traditional way,’ while my husband and I prefer gentle parenting. Every time we say no, she gets offended. It feels like we are always choosing between her approval and our own values.”
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Financial obligations to the family of origin. Many couples feel torn between supporting their parents or siblings and sustaining their own family’s needs.
“We both work hard, yet every month a big part of our salary goes to my husband’s siblings’ tuition fees. I don’t resent helping, but sometimes I wonder—when will we start saving for our own children’s future?”
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Family traditions and loyalties. Deciding where to spend Christmas, New Year, or even regular weekends can become a source of conflict.
“Every year, we argue about whose family we’ll spend Christmas with. It always feels unfair to one side, and honestly, it drains the joy out of the season.”
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Living in the same house with-in-laws.
Living with in-laws often means sharing space without true privacy, where every decision—from cooking meals to disciplining children—can be observed, commented on, or even controlled. While it offers support and a sense of community, many couples feel like guests in their own home, struggling to build their own identity as a family. Without private space and clear boundaries, intimacy weakens, stress rises, and the couple may feel their marriage is constantly under the watchful eyes of others.
“My husband and I live with his parents to save for our own house. At first it was fine, but over time, I started to feel suffocated. His mom comments on how I cook, how I clean, even how I take care of our baby. I can’t relax in my own home. Sometimes I just want to cry, because it feels like we’re married, but still under their control.”
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Feeling unaccepted by in-laws. Feeling unaccepted by in-laws can be one of the most painful experiences in marriage. Instead of gaining a new circle of belonging, the spouse feels judged, criticized, or even gossiped about. Every word or action is examined with suspicion, making them feel invisible or “never enough.” In a culture where family approval carries great weight, this rejection cuts deeply—it hurts not just the individual but also strains the marriage, especially when they wonder, “Why doesn’t my spouse defend me?”
“My mother-in-law never liked me. She tells others I married her son for money. I try to please her, but nothing I do is ever enough.”
When couples are not in sync in handling these issues, meaning one partner wants more autonomy and the other partner does not, stress and marital conflict can quickly follow. In fact, newly married couples, especially those with their first child, are most vulnerable to this tension. The question now is: How can a couple maintain closeness with their extended families, while not being negatively affected by it?
In the first years of marriage, it is important that couples slowly, respectfully, and gently build boundaries with extended families. Boundaries are not walls – they are healthy markers that help us preserve our relationships without being consumed by conflict. Boundaries remind us where our limits lie and allow us to nurture our own family identity.
Research shows that family-of-origin influence is one of the strongest predictors of marital quality among Filipino couples (Medina, 2001; Alampay, 2014). Couples who remain overly enmeshed with their family of origin often report higher stress, while those who develop a “team stance” as a married unit experience stronger marital satisfaction and stability.
Here are three ways couples can navigate this area:
1. Have a stance that you are a team.
When a person marries, their new priority becomes their spouse and the family they are building together. Research on marital satisfaction highlights that couples who show “marital loyalty” to each other—over and above loyalty to the family of origin—report less conflict and greater intimacy (Sprecher & Felmlee, 2000).
Take for example, Liza and Mark. When Mark’s mother wanted them to christen their baby in her hometown, Liza felt torn. Instead of letting Mark decide alone, they talked through their own values and agreed to hold the baptism in the city where they live. Mark’s mother was initially upset, but she later respected that the couple decided together. For Liza, this moment reassured her that Mark had chosen her as his teammate.
2. Arrange regular traditions with extended family, while building your own traditions.
Traditions are powerful in shaping family identity. For many Filipinos, Christmas, New Year, and Holy Week are naturally spent with extended family. This provides a sense of continuity and belonging. However, it is equally important for a couple to create their own traditions such as how they spend birthdays, where they go for vacations, or even a simple weekend routine. Studies show that families who establish their own rituals develop stronger cohesion and resilience (Fiese et al., 2002).
Ella and Jon used to spend every weekend at Jon’s parents’ house. While this showed respect, Ella began to feel like they had no time to form their own rhythm as a family. They eventually agreed to reserve one weekend a month for just themselves and their children, whether it meant cooking together, watching movies, or going out. Ella later shared, “That was the start of us feeling like our own family, not just an extension of someone else’s.”
3. Financially discuss the amount to cover the needs of your own family, and the amount to be given to your family of origin.
Money is often a hidden source of conflict. In collectivist cultures like ours, adult children are expected to provide support to parents and siblings (Alampay, 2014). While generosity is a Filipino value, problems arise when couples give to the point that their own family experiences financial shortages. A study on Filipino household economics shows that financial stress strongly predicts marital dissatisfaction (Tuliao et al., 2017).
James and Ana once argued constantly because James kept sending money to his younger brother without telling Ana. It wasn’t the giving that hurt Ana—it was that their own bills were unpaid. Eventually, they sat down, created a budget, and set a fixed amount for family support. “Once we agreed on that,” Ana said, “it felt like we were finally on the same page. We could help others without hurting ourselves.”
4. Have a separate living arrangement or place.
For others, living with in-laws has worked well, providing support, shared resources, and companionship. However, for some couples, it strains their marriage and even their mental well-being. For these individuals, having a space of your own becomes essential. A separate living space gives couples privacy to nurture intimacy, freedom to make household decisions without interference, room to develop their own traditions, and authority to raise their children according to their values. The space need not be large or extravagant, it simply has to be a place where the couple can breathe, set their own rhythm, and grow together as one family unit.
Closing Thoughts
A Filipino couple does not exist in isolation. They are woven into a larger web of relationships of family and community. This is our blessing, but it can also be our challenge. The key is not to sever the ties, but to balance them – staying connected while nurturing your own family identity. Healthy boundaries are not rejection. They are an expression of love and respect – for your spouse, for your children, and even for your extended family, who will benefit more from a couple that is united, stable, and secure.
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