And yet you stay. Not because you want to, but because leaving right now feels impossible. Dependence. Fear. Children. Family pressure. Survival.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can become a gentle companion. It doesn’t demand you to leave today, nor to pretend everything is fine. Instead, ACT helps you breathe again inside the storm. It gives you ways to love yourself, to reconnect to what matters to you, even while you are still in this hard place.

And as a Catholic individual, I believe God can meet you here, too. ACT does not replace His presence, it gives language and practices that can be paired with His Word, so that you can still find your footing, one breath at a time.

The Six Pillars of ACT, through Faith and Marriage Struggles

Source: Health and Healing Therapy

1. Acceptance – Allowing What Is

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with his cheating, his cruelty, or his fists. It means letting yourself admit, “This is my reality right now. I am hurting.”

When he insults you, your instinct may be to deny your pain just to survive. But ACT invites you to soften into it: Yes, these words wounded me. By naming the pain, you stop wasting energy fighting against your own feelings.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

Acceptance is opening your heart to God in the middle of your hurt, knowing He is close when you feel most broken.

2. Cognitive Defusion – Untangling From Your Husband’s Words And Behaviors

Abusers often plant lies in our minds: “You’re nothing without me.” “No one will want you.” “You deserve this.”

Defusion means learning to see these as thoughts, not truths. For example, instead of “I’m worthless,” practice saying: “I’m having the thought that I’m worthless.”

That tiny shift creates distance. You are not what he says. You are the one hearing the thought, not the thought itself.

“For we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

You don’t have to absorb every lie spoken over you. You can hand it to God and let His truth remain.

3. Present-Moment Awareness – Returning to Now

When betrayal or abuse happens, your mind can spin endlessly – replaying last night’s fight, fearing tomorrow’s rage.

Grounding in the present gives you back a little peace.

While cooking, notice the smell of garlic and onion sizzling.

While folding laundry, feel the fabric in your hands.

While sitting alone, breathe in and out slowly, naming: “Here I am. Right now, I am safe.”

“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

God meets us in the stillness of this moment, not in yesterday’s wounds, not in tomorrow’s fear, but here and now.

4. Self-as-Context – You Are More Than This Marriage

A toxic husband may try to reduce you to a role: the weak wife, the dependent one. But ACT teaches that you are not your pain. You are the container, the sky, holding both storms and sunlight.

Even if today you are weeping, there is still a larger “you” who watches, who remembers, who hopes. That self cannot be touched by his betrayal or his rage.

“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)

Your deepest identity is not in his labels or in your suffering, it is hidden safely in Christ.

5. Values – Your Inner Compass

Even if you cannot leave yet, you can still live by what matters to you. Ask yourself, “what kind of wife, woman, or mother do I want to be, despite his actions?”

• If you value dignity, you can speak gently to yourself, even if he mocks you.

• If you value nurturing, you can give your children warmth, even if he is cold.

• If you value faith, you can still pray, light a candle, whisper scripture to your own heart.

Values are the compass that remind you, “This is who I am, regardless of him.”

“But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)

Even if your husband does not walk in your values, you can still align your steps with the Lord.

6. Committed Action – Small Steps Toward Life

ACT always ends in movement, not grand escapes, but small, steady steps.

• Starting a secret savings jar, even with coins, for the value of financial security.

• Calling a trusted friend once a week, when you value connection.

• Reading a book that grows your courage, for valuing self-growth.

• Taking a walk to feel your body strong beneath you, when you value physical health.

These are not acts of rebellion. They are acts of love – commitments to your future self.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” (Proverbs 31:25)

Small steps taken today, in alignment with God and your values, build the strength that carries you into tomorrow.

A Final Word

If you are in physical danger, please know that ACT is not a substitute for safety. Reach out when and if you can, to trusted people, hotlines, or shelters. But for the days when leaving is not yet possible, ACT can give you back a sense of you.

And with God by your side, your suffering is never wasted. He sees. He knows. And He is still writing your story.

You are not just surviving, you are still becoming. And little by little, as you learn to breathe again, you will remember that your life is not over. You are still here.

Reference:

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

The post For Wives In Hard Marriages: Learning to Breathe Again Through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

Once upon a time, there were two children.
Each had an Affection Park inside them. The parks are full of rides, lights, music, and the promise of joy.

Child One
In their park, the gates opened unpredictably.
Some days, they were welcomed in with warm hugs and laughter – the rides spinning, the lights twinkling.

Other days, without warning, the gates close tight, and shut them out . They never knew when or why, so they learned to stand close to the entrance, eyes fixed on the hinges, ready to run any moment when the gates opened.

They carried that watchfulness everywhere.
This child grew into the anxious partner – always eager to enter, afraid of missing a moment, desperately needing closeness to feel safe.

Child Two
In their park, the gates were different. Whenever they tried to invite someone in, the visitor seemed distracted, busy, or uninterested. Sometimes they left without even stepping inside.

After a while, the child stopped trying. They locked the gates to keep the park safe and learned to enjoy the rides alone. They enjoyed their own company and learned to be on their own. They carried that caution everywhere.

This child grew into the avoidant partner – opening the gates only in small moments, protecting their park from being hurt again.

Now, as adults, they found each other.
One longs to be let in. The other worries that too much company might harm what they’ve protected for so long. But here’s the truth neither learned in childhood:

• Parks are meant to be shared.
• Gates can have regular opening hours.
• Rides are better when you enjoy them together.

The anxious partner can learn to wait without fear. The avoidant partner can learn that opening the gates won’t break the park, it might even make it more alive.

And slowly, they can build a new Affection Park map together. One with clear hours, safe rides, and a promise:This place is ours now. And no one’s leaving.

The post The Anxious Spouse, The Avoidant Spouse: The Tale of Two Affection Adventure Parks appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

Acceptance in marriage is essential for creating a relationship that truly works. Some aspects of who we are remain relatively unchanged throughout our lives – our basic temperament, core personality traits, and the way our childhood experiences have shaped us. Learning to embrace these fundamental parts of our partner is often the key to building a lasting, loving partnership.

However, there’s a crucial distinction between accepting someone’s inherent nature and tolerating harmful behaviors. While we should extend grace for personality differences and unique approaches to life, we shouldn’t accept behaviors that gradually erode our emotional well-being, self-worth, or sense of safety.

What Deserves Acceptance

Personality quirks and communication styles – Some people are naturally more introverted, others more spontaneous. Some process emotions internally while others think out loud. These aren’t flaws to fix but differences to appreciate.

Different approaches to life – Whether your partner is a planner or goes with the flow, prefers quiet nights in or social gatherings, values tradition or embraces change – these fundamental preferences deserve respect.

Past experiences that shaped them – We all carry our history with us. Understanding how your partner’s background influences their reactions and perspectives builds empathy and connection.

What Requires Change

While acceptance is vital, certain behaviors cross the line from “personality trait” to “harmful pattern” and need to be addressed:

Disrespectful Communication Patterns

Name-calling, mocking, or consistently dismissive language can erode the foundation of mutual respect that healthy marriages need. While someone might naturally be more direct in their communication style, cruelty or contempt crosses a clear line.

Controlling Behaviors

Actions that limit your autonomy, isolate you from friends and family, or make you feel like you need permission for basic decisions about your own life. A partner’s need for security shouldn’t come at the expense of your independence.

Addiction or Substance Abuse Issues

Problems that impact relationship and family functioning. While addiction deserves compassion as a disease, it also requires active treatment and commitment to recovery.

Emotional Unavailability or Stonewalling

Consistently refusing to engage in meaningful conversations about the relationship or important issues. While people process differently, completely shutting down communication isn’t healthy for the partnership.

Infidelity or Betrayals of Trust

Violations of the agreed-upon boundaries of your relationship. Trust is earned through consistent actions, and rebuilding it requires genuine effort and demonstrable change.

Lack of Contribution to Marriage and Family Life

When one partner consistently fails to contribute meaningfully to the household, relationship, or family responsibilities. This isn’t about different strengths or working styles – it’s about a pattern of disengagement where one person expects their partner to carry the full load of domestic duties, emotional labor, childcare, or relationship maintenance. A healthy marriage requires both partners to actively participate in building and maintaining their shared life together, whether that’s through household tasks, financial contribution, emotional support, or childcare. While contributions don’t need to be identical, they should feel balanced and fair to both partners.

The Bottom Line

Healthy relationships require both acceptance of our partner’s authentic self and the expectation that we’ll both continue growing and addressing behaviors that hurt the relationship. The key is learning to distinguish between “this is just how they are” versus “this is harmful and needs to change.”

Remember: You can love someone deeply while still requiring them to treat you with respect and care. Setting boundaries isn’t about changing who your partner is at their core – it’s about creating a safe space where both of you can be your best selves.

True acceptance in marriage means embracing your partner’s essence while refusing to accept treatment that diminishes your worth or wellbeing. This balance is what transforms good relationships into great ones.

The post What to Accept vs. What to Change in Marriage: Drawing Healthy Boundaries appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

Do you feel alone in your marriage? Do you feel that sense of void and physical ache, that never seems to go away? Perhaps you’re wondering why you’re feeling that way with your spouse.

If you don’t have a model of a satisfying and happy marriage, it would be hard to identify and address what is missing in your marriage. You don’t have an idea of what couples do and don’t do in a happy and unhappy marriage.

1. Respond to your bids of connection.

For example, if you share about your day or something interesting that caught your interest, they will listen and show interest on what you were saying. They may nod their heads, ask questions, or join you. Someone who has a pattern of dismissiveness will make you feel lonely and alone in the marriage.

2. Support you during stress.

Research shows that when a married individual.is stressed, the first person they would come to for support is their spouse. This is especially true for wives. A supportive partner will not minimize your stress, not be angry at you for asking support, not blame you that you get caught up in that stress, not ignore you. If your request of support is consistently being rebuffed, you will refram from asking support again.

3. Know and remember facts about you.

Couples in a happy marriage try to remember facts about each other. A loving spouse will remember facts about your past (ex: your childhood history), facts about your present (ex. how you want your egg cooked, your preoccupation), facts about your future (ex. your dreams and aspiration). When your spouse do this, it’s like they are holding a space for you in their mind and heart.

4. Fond of you and delight in you.

Your spouse has positive feelings about you like delight and fondness. It will be apparent when they are talking about (or think about you). They are not critical or contemptuous of you, not resenting you.

5. Resolve conflicts

If you have emotional connection and feel secure with your spouse, you easily can resolve conflicts and can even tease or joke about those conflicts which are perpetual or conflicts that wont go away.

Final Thoughts

One spouse will never meet 100% of his/her partner. They will certainly miss some needs. However, it doesn’t have to an empty cup either, wherein you’re just trying to emotionally survive.

A constant state of being disconnected to your spouse will give you a feeling of not being seen and heard. These will then give you a sense that you don’t matter.

It maybe helpful to try to improve your marriage by reading marriage articles together or going to marriage counseling. However, if your spouse is not willing to work on it, and you want to stay, you may want to try to look for emotional connection with safe people such as your members of family-of-origin and friends. You may also look for meaning and purpose by pursuing a vocation.

The post Feeling Lonely and Empty in Marriage appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

Some married individuals sense that there’s something amiss on their partner’s character, but they couldn’t put their finger on it. Their efforts to understand their partner, adjust themselves for them, and work on the relationship seem to be futile.

To add to these, they tolerate the insentivities and abuses they receive from their narcisstic partners. These result to confusion, deep emotional pain, loss of sense of self, loss of esteem, and depression among others.

If you’re wondering whether your spouse may have a personality disorder, here are some tell tale signs that you’re married to an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and some experiences of non-narcissistic-spouses:

Have a different public image and private image.

According to DSM 5, a bible of mental health professionals, people with NPD may be preoccupied with how well they are doing and how favorably they are regarded by others. This gives them a positive image in their social circle. However, DSM 5 also stated that they lack empathy which makes them unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. The lack of empathy is usually apparent in close relationships.

This is why one of the giveaway signs of narcissistic partners is when they act differently at home and in the public. They portray themselves as wonderful, caring and loving people. Yet behind closed doors they could be a terror to their partners, while the rest of the world sees an amazing person.

Take for example the sharing of these partners:

• My husband never said no to anyone, always extremely friendly, very people pleasing, everyone always loves him and says what a great guy he is. — Terry
• My ex-husband was exactly like this. He acted one way in front of everyone else (kind, respectful, helpful, gentle and funny) and the opposite (rude, angry, miserable, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive) behind closed doors at home. — Christy
• My husband is extremely skilled at keeping the mask on . He is soft spoken and easy going when around people. But behind closed doors , with me, his wife and his children, a completely different person — Jessie

In my own experience, my husband was very involved in church… would lead marriage classes. He was/is thought of as a wonderful person to those that aren’t in our home.

• He controls silently. I’ve never been hit or yelled at, however I haven’t had a debit or credit card in my name in 10 years. He can go months with the silent treatment. He’s a pro at gaslighting. Oh, also he is victim all the time. Like poor me victim not, it’s all your fault.. — Carla

• Yes passive agressive nice guy to others. So shy and quietly spoken but behind closed doors, when he chose to rage at me, no one would believe it. — Tina

Trying to share your struggles with a common friend might prove to be difficult and frustrating. Your friends don’t see what you see.

• if I ever try to tell anyone about it they act like I’m crazy — Jessie
• My ex-husband used to say I get the worst version of him. Makes it hard to talk to people who had met him, like doubting whether or not they believe you because it seems so out of character. So confusing that they are a completely different person behind closed doors. — Christy
• The great guy act is a mask and they do it on purpose. It works and then no one believes you when you try to finally tell them the truth. You end up looking like the crazy one. Most people are shocked when they find out –Andrea

Sees others (even friends) as inferior

Because of the NPD’s concern of how he is regarded by others, he has a tendency to act friendly and nice. However, DSM 5 indicated that arrogant and haughty behaviors characterize these individuals that they often display disdainful or patronizing attitudes. This is why, the covert narcissists, behind their friends’ back they talk about them contemptuously, crticise them, or judge them.

• Nobody realizes he bashes the crap out of them at home after he helps them and then he discards his “friends” when he got what he wants. So far his friends haven’t figured it out yet.
• I waited on all the guests hand and foot, bringing food and drink, I would clean up after they left and he would tell me how awful they were.

Lacks Empathy and Concern

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally have a lack of empathy and have difficulty recognizing the desires, subjective experiences, and feelings of others.

Those who relate to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder typically find an emotional coldness and lack of reciprocal interest.

• I was mugged by a purse snatcher during my lunch hour on city streets. I successfully fought him off and kept my purse, but my clothes were torn and my head was split open where it hit the pavement. I called to tell my narc what happened and went home but he never bothered to come check on me or even act concerned. — Tonya
• I was in bed crying from the pain of having had a cesarean 4 days prior. He told me to shut up and stop crying or go somewhere else as I was shaking the bed and he was trying to sleep. I slept on pillows on the ground beside my newborns crib. — Luci

Tiring and Fruitless Conflict Discussion

Addressing conflicts is one of the important parts in married life. However, this is already compromised when the other partner has NPD.

Partners with NPD have difficulties taking on the perspective and feelings of another person while maintaining awareness and control of his own affects and experiences. Apparently, The lack of empathy has an impact in this relationship function.

You appear as the toxic person when the relationship ends

Because of the narc’s established good self-image and upon smearing your name, you now appear as the bad partner.

• My ex-husband has a great talent, he tells everybody what they want to hear and shows them what they want to see.
• After his smear campaign many persons still think he is the poor victim Mr Niceguy, and ‘m the bad abuser.
• My ex-husband was mr. wonderful to everyone. To this moment everyone believes I somehow hurt him by getting sick and ruining our marriage. He’s the most vile monster on earth but hides every bit of it so well.
• I have similar with his family, his brother called me vindictive even though I’ve never done anything to him or anyone in the family.

Here are other traits associated to spouse with narcissistic personality:

• Lies and bluffs
• Believes they are always right and never apologize
• Have a sense of entitlement
• Sense of superiority
• Tendency to gaslight

The post Signs Your Spouse is a Covert Narcissist appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

Healing and restoring an ailing marriage require both husband and wife to put work in their relationship. Their work may include going to counseling either alone or together, reading books and articles about marriage, attending relationship seminars, and applying their learning and realizations in the relationship, among others.

But what if you’re the only one putting all the work and your spouse doesn’t seem to care and respond at all? What if your partner is emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and manipulative? Should you continue on saving the marriage and be the only functioning spouse? But at what cost?

READ: Signs that Your Husband Might Be A Covert Narcissist

Studies reveal the impact of a toxic marriage on the physical and psychological health of spouses who are holding on. These spouses experience depressive symptoms such as loneliness, poor or increased appetite, restless sleep, and deep sadness. These then could contribute to their low quality of life.

Stressed spouses are not the only ones suffering. The children are also another casualties of these long-standing conflicts, especially if they witness intense and heated arguments. It can give them the feeling that the home and the family is not a safe and warm place to be. Consequently, it can cause them anxiety, depressive symptoms, behavioral problems, low self-esteem, academic challenges, among others.

READ: Should I Stay in a Toxic Marriage for the Kids?

Apparently, it does no good to anyone involved when only one spouse is working on the marriage.

When holding on is causing too much pain and leaving physically is not (yet) a viable option, then emotional detachment is one way to protect yourself and your children from the detriment of a painful marriage. These are the ways on how you can detach emotionally:

1. Accept your spousal needs and begin to realize that your partner can’t meet them

As a spouse you have emotional needs from your partner and marriage. One of these is security and safety to be who you are and to express yourself in marriage.

It should be safe for you to share with your spouse that you are happy, sad, angry, stressed, scared, and vulnerable. You trust that your partner accepts and honors your feelings, and can provide you with the support and affection that you need.

READ: Marriage is Being at Home

In a toxic marriage, the basic exchange of sharing and receiving emotional support is almost impossible. It’s probably because your spouse is unable to emotionally attach, refuses to work on your marriage, or has some personality disorder that causes him/her to be emotionally unavailable.

As hard and as painful as it is, you need to realize and accept that you cannot depend on your partner to make you feel emotionally secured, loved, and important. Continuing to hope may prolong your agony and may make you fail to take the necessary steps in doing what is right for you.

2. Be grateful of the good times

You will not last this marriage if it’s all negative in your relationship. Yes, walking down the memory lane will remind you of the beautiful moments between you and your spouse. But then, you have to ask yourself, “how many percent in your relationship was the positive and negative?” Was it 80-20, 70-30?

If your marriage is only comprised of 20% positive which happens far and between, can you live with those?

According to Dr. John Gottman healthy relationships have 5 is to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This means that healthy spouses interact positively with eaxh other 5 times more than they interact negatively. So if emotional disconnection or verbal aggression dominate the life of your marriage, then think about it.

3. Beware of the breadcrumbings

Imagine yourself in perpetual state of thirst. Your spouse would only give you a sip of water every now and then. A sip will not quench your thirst, but for you, it is better than nothing. This will make you hold on for more, want for more. It will also make your desire for your spouse stronger.

Realize that there is more to life than this. It maybe hard to believe at times, but you deserve to have your emotional needs met.

4. Focus on yourself instead of your marriage

For years, your attention, efforts, and emotional energy have been focused on your spouse and your marriage. Now is the time to shift your focus inward — on yourself. The goal is to to take charge of your well-being by increasing your self-worth and self-esteem.

READ: Emotionally Dependent: Do You Love Your Spouse More Than Yourself?

There are many ways on how you can do this. Emotionally, you may enlist the help of a therapist/counselor and explore personal issues that made you hold on to a toxic relationship. It can also pave a way for you to look into the future with hope for positive changes. Alternatively, you may join online support groups and write on a diary.

Intellectually, you may enroll yourself on courses that will improve your knowledge or skill in an area of your interest. Do you like to further your studies? Do you like to improve your coding or programming skills?

Financially, you may embark on creating an online business of your own or study how to invest in stock market. You may also explore on how to monetize your current hobby and skills.

Physically, you may register on that yoga or zumba class near you. You may also want to do a makeover to symbolize a new you.

And spiritually, you may deepen your relationship with God and join religious organizations in your church. Meet different people who have desire to serve God and lead Christ-centered lives.

These can add meaning to your life, increase your self-confidence, and have a more positive outlook in life.

5. Avoid talking to your spouse about the status of your marriage.

Thinking about other ways to improve your marriage and discussing these with your spouse means that you’re still emotionally invested in your marriage. And when you do this you’re taking your attention and energy away from your efforts of personal healing and development.

Another is, it could mean that you’re still hoping for the better days to come. Maybe it will happen or maybe it won’t. That better day will happen when your spouse has the initiative to come to you, make you feel secure, communicate with you openly, and make behavioral changes. All these, without you pursuing him/her. Until that day comes, there is no marriage to work on, there is only YOU to work on.

6. Confine your conversation on responsibilities regarding the children and the house.

Limit the content of your conversations to superficial matters only. For instance, only discuss about the activities of your children, the maintenance of the house, and other household matters. Sharing your internal life such as your thoughts and feelings can make you vulnerable to your partner.

Also, avoid requesting or responding for any bids of connection. Bids of connections mean calling your partner’s attention. You do this by sharing how your day was, asking if they have eaten, showing an interesting video, opening up about your stress. When you do this, you want and hope to be known, heard, and supported. Thereby, being vulnerable to a likely rejection.

7. Do not have sex with your spouse

Being physically intimate with your spouse will just stir those longings within you. Thus, avoiding intimacy is one way to guard your heart.

8. Look for a new primary attachment figure.

Our attachment figures are people whom we give and receive emotional support and safety. Think of the role of a mother to a child. The mother here is the primary attachment figure of the child.

She listens when the child has something to say, she comforts when the child is distressed, she praises when the child did something well, and she provides support when the child has goals to achieve.

When we marry, our spouses become our primary attachment figures. But in a toxic marriage, they are unable to provide a listening ear, comfort, praise, and support. As human, you are wired for attachment and connection, and you will look for this. That is why you need to look for healthy and supportive relationship that will somehow fill the attachment void left by your spouse.

You could look to friends who you regularly meet or converse with you. These friends know you inside-out and can give you the feeling that you’re in this together. Alternatively, you can join spiritual organization who can act as your spiritual family.

Another primary attachment figure is having an intimate and daily conversation with God, being aware that He walks and listens to you every minute and every hour. You can have a diary with Him, tell Him everything that happens to your day, the thoughts and feelings that swept you. He is loving, steadfast, loyal, and will never leave you nor abandon you. You can always count on Him.

Having an attachment figure can give you the feeling that you are not alone and that someone is holding you in their hearts. This also helps you emotionally safe and secure.

As a warning though, never have an attachment figure with a friend of opposite gender. This can likely lead to emotional affairs, which will surely complicate your life further.

Effects on your children

A journey to personal growth may make you feel more content, happier, and fulfilled. This can spill over to your relationship with your children. You can then create a stronger bond with them.

According to a study, a supportive relationship with at least one parent or adult can protect the child from the negative effects of marital conflict.

Final Thoughts

There are instances when you’re only resort is emotional detachment. Your marriage is not healthy for your well-being anymore, yet separation is not a viable option for some reasons. Emotional detachment can also lessen the fights and shouting matches with your partner, which can be witnessed by your children.

There is a big possibility, that emotional detachment is just your first step to freedom. With proper self-care, healing, and personal development you will have the empowerment, happiness, and independence to decide what is right and healthy for you and your children.

The post How to Emotionally Detach From Your Toxic Marriage appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

However, this becomes problematic when the wife is in an abusive relationship. For instance, Aileen was married for 10 years with a husband who refuses to lift his finger to work. She has done all her best in helping her husband find a job, sending job applications for him, and enrolling him in vocational schools . Aileen even pretended to her own family that her husband has a job and answers the grocery for them.

The post You Can’t Save Your Spouse Who Doesn’t Want to be Saved appeared first on Marriage Counseling Philippines.

“When I watch something on my laptop or something happened to me… I want to share it with my husband, but he says ‘I don’t care.” That isolated feeling. No one to share it with.

For example, I was watching this funny YouTube video and tried to show it to him. Well, so what if he doesn’t care. At least he could have shown interest or don’t throw me out in the cold. I almost feel like crying sometimes. Am I wrong? Am I just being emotional?”

First of all, you’re not being emotional and what you’re feeling is valid given your situation. You want to share something that delighted you with your partner, you were hoping that somehow he would show some interest. It’s normal for married people to call their partner’s attention about something that interests them. It is normal also to expect a response in a form of acknowledgment or him to share your reaction. However, in your situation your husband outrightly told you that he doesn’t care and didn’t give any effort to respond to what you shared.

I can imagine how this can hurt you. If the acts of ignoring and dismissing you happens consistently, it could make you feel insignificant and unimportant. It feels like your interests and thoughts don’t matter, and on few occasions, you may feel like YOU don’t matter at all. This could then lead you to feel hurt and angry.

What you were doing — calling your partner’s attention about something that interests you — is called “bids of attention.”[1] One of the qualities of a satisfying marriage is that couples respond to each other’s bids of attention MOST OF THE TIME. For instance, you shared what happened to you at your work, and he responded by listening or empathizing with you.  Or, he told you about his new man toy and you answered by listening attentively. You can then say that both of you responded to the bids of attention.

They say that it’s the everyday small things that count for a satisfying marriage, and not the occasional big gestures of affection. The exchange of giving and responding to bids of attention is one of those small things that makes a relationship happy and healthy. It makes the partner feels seen, heard, and loved which makes the relationship safe and calm.[2]

If failure to respond to attention bids is a long-standing characteristic of your marriage then it signals a weakness in your relationship.

Here are my suggestions:

Request a specific behavior change with your husband.

Talk with your husband about what’s bothering you. Tell him how ignoring your bids of attention makes you feel. And ask clearly the specific behavior change you want to see the next time you share something.

You can say something like, “I noticed that whenever I share something with you, you focused on what you were doing and didn’t hear me. It feels like you’re not interested on what I share. Can you please show some interest the next time I share something? You can listen or nod.” Remember not to attack your husband’s personality such as saying “you never listen to me” or “you were never interested on anything that I say.” This type of approach will surely backfire. To learn about the effective ways of airing your grievance to your spouse you can read my articles Hurt and Angry at Husband: How to Let Him Know? and Why Your Husband Fights, Walks Out, or Ignores You When Confronted?

Analyze your behavior as a spouse.

Are you using contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensive in your communication? Women usually engage with the first two while men with the latter two. These four negative communication styles can predict marriage dissolution.[3] It is in the best interest of your marriage that you replace these styles with their corresponding antidotes. Read the article on antidotes to negative communication styles.

Meet with a professional.

If you think you have done the best that you can to address this issue and nothing positive happened, you may seek to meet with a couple counselor. There is probably more into your marriage or into your personalities that are causing this problem in your relationship.

Final Thoughts

Giving and responding to attention bids are everyday occurrences. They maybe little gestures of communication, but when failures to respond pile up, it can leave the spouse feeling insignificant, worthless, and unloved. That is why it is important to address this issue in order to make your marriage a satisfying and nurturing one.

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[1]Gottman, J. S. (Ed.). (2004). The marriage clinic casebook. WW Norton & Company.

[2]Van der Kolk, Bessel A. “The body keeps the score: Memory and the evolving psychobiology of posttraumatic stress.” Harvard review of psychiatry 1, no. 5 (1994): 253-265.

[3]Gottman

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A wife wrote about her husband who told her that he has fallen out of love. He said that he still cares, but feels no spark anymore. This sentiment is not new to hear. I guess it’s being used by people who want an easy way out of the relationship.

Now I can’t help but wonder about this “falling out of love” thing. When the person you committed to for the rest of your life told you that he fell out of love with you, what does that mean? Does it suggest the end of your relationship?

Before I ponder on falling out of love, let’s first take a closer look on falling in love. Falling in love means you just “FALL” in love, like it happens by way of gravity. You didn’t do anything, it didn’t require you any effort — you just fall in love. I don’t need to explain it further, as you surely felt it at least once in your life.

But for your added information, falling in love also happens biologically, makingit feels like a work of nature. We have this “love hormone” in our brain called Phenylethylamine (PEA). When our brain releases this hormone, we experience things that people-in-love commonly feels — the heart palpitation, the can’t sleep through the night, and the spark, among others.

The good news is that, we experience bliss at this stage, most especially when the feeling is mutual. The bad news is that, the “love hormone” only last for six months to three years. After that, you’re on your own in treading through your partner’s flaws — the ugly characteristics you overlooked when you were still in love. At this stage, it’s up to you whether you will stick to your partner or not.

Now, relationship experts keep on saying that true love begins the moment you fell out of love. That’s a little mind-boggling, right? But when you fall out of love — when you’re no longer under the “love hormone’s” influence — comes the stage when you deliberately choose to love your partner despite his or her unlovable traits and moods and ways.

It’s been always said that true love isn’t a noun, but a verb; it’s not a feeling, but a series of actions. As wives and moms, we don’t always have that ‘loving feeling’ towards our spouses and kids. Most of the time, our relationships with them are full of sacrifices and inconveniences. What with their irritating personality quirks and their needs that we should continually meet. Yet despite of these, there’s still the commitment to love and care for them. And if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’re not always lovable too, we’re filled with imperfections and issues. So true love is a choice, a decision you make everyday of your life. It requires effort, understanding, and acceptance.

I believe that, when your partner tells you that he fell out of love with you and wants out of the relationship, it means that he doesn’t want to level up his initial love into true love. He refuses to make anymore effort to accept you, understand you, be there for you. He no longer wants to work on the relationship. And this could really hurt.

But falling out of love doesn’t always lead to the end of a relationship. I guess everybody fall out of love. We become disillusioned with our partner’s flaws, that sometimes it gets tiring too. But they say that a succesful marriage requires falling in love a thousand times with one person. Yet that “falling in love” thing is not an act of gravity, it’s purposeful and effortful. It happens when couples regularly spend quality time with each other, do acts of service for each other, appreciate one another.

So when your partner tells you he has fallen out of love, don’t lose hope. Even if it hurts, explain to him that what he’s experiencing is normal. Have an open communication as to why he’s no longer interested to work on the marriage. Also be open at what he’s going to tell you.

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Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can negatively affect a wife’s overall well-being. Wives in this kind of relationship experience low self-esteem, self-doubt, and depression. Also, most of them have been isolated from their social support leaving them with no one to share their burdens. For those who are still connected with their families and friends, they find it difficult to share their struggles as most people couldn’t understand their situation, especially when their abusive partner is showing a different persona with others. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse do not leave any physical signs of maltreatment such as wounds and bruise. Their bruises are mental and emotional, something that cannot be seen by the eye.

In my desire to understand their experiences and validate other women’s experiences, I read 10 personal accounts of Filipina women who suffered or are suffering from marital emotional abuse. Below I share the common experiences I have gathered from their personal personal stories:

1. They feel degraded by their partners due to their condescending and hurtful words.

According to Ludy Bancroft, an abuser program counsellor for more than 15 years, the abuser tends to see his partner as less intelligent, less competent, less logical, and even less sensitive than he is. This kind of thought process may be seen in the experiences of Jo, Fatima, and Rana.

“Kapag nagagalit ang husband ko, sinasabihan niya ko ng bobo, tanga, gago at mababaw. Lagi niya rin ako sinasabihan na lumayas na ko. Stay in housewife ako at seaman sya. Magkaiba kami ng spiritual beliefs, at sinasabihan nyang hindi totoo sa akin at demonyo ako. lagi sya nagsasalita ng harsh words towards me.” (Jo)

He tells me na wala akong alam, walang kayang gawin. walang kwenta, dugyot, bobo, and just yesterday he said babasagin nya ang mukha ko. I dont know how to deal with this anymore.”(Fatima)

Like Jo, Rana has also been dared by her husband to leave their house.

“Dati nakatira kami sa nanay nya, nag away kami tapos sinabihan nya akong lumayas ako at wag na akong babalik. Sobrang sakit lang, kasi feeling ko parang pinipilit kong makitira sa kanila (Rana)

In the same vein, Baby realized how insensitive, hurtful and uncaring her husband is on her feelings:

“Kapag hindi nasusunod ang gusto nya, tinatawag nya akong frigid woman, which is not true. Ako yong pagiging hot tempered nya. Insensitive, unconcious at masakit magsalita wala syang pakialam kung nakakasakit sya ng damdamin . Mahilig syang makipag argue at pinapalaki ang sjmpleng bagay” (Baby)

These condescending words could tamper the wife’s self-esteem and self-worth. It can lead her to believe false accusations about herself.

2. They were socially isolated
One of the category of emotional abuse is social isolation wherein the wife is prohibited to talk or socialize to anybody even to female friends, as in the case of Baby and KC.

“Ayaw nya ako makipagkaibigan kahit kanino, kahit babae pinagseselosan, di ako pinapayagan pag di sya kasama. Wala akong hawak na pera. Gusto nya sa kanya lang iikot ang mundo ko.” (Baby)

“Ang hirap kasi wala kang masabihan. ayaw na ayaw din ng hubby ko before yung lumalabas with friends na wala sya.. kahit sa mga pinsan nya na girls lang din, dapat kasama sya. (KC)

3. They feel stupid about themselves

At some point in their lives, some emotionally abused women thought that they are stupid for not being able to leave their relationship despite knowing that they have to. To make it worse, they still believe that their husband will still change. This is true for Selina,  Baby, and Bella.

“I’m acting more and more stupid. I’ve come to a point where I’ve noticed the more abusive the relationship is, the more dependent I am on  him. The more abusive my husband gets, the more scared I am to leave because I feel I’ll never survive without him. OR that who would want me after being separated, worthless, and full of sad stories. The dumbest part of me simply longs for him when I do attempt to leave him. I’m getting to be sooooo STUPID already about this. I understand whats going on but its just sooooooo difficult to break away.” (Selina).

“I do  still love my husband and I’ m still hopeful. sadly but true!!!!I keep denying it to family and friends but here I can confess to everyone that I still am hoping. (I know some will call me stupidly in love arrrhg!!) but the “love” I still feel for him is making me hope that he will come back begging and WILLING to go to therapy/counseling and work it out.” (Baby)

Bella, who gave her husband a second chance in their marriage has caught her husband collecting phornographic materials for several times.. She told herself one time:

“I felt so sick about it. Nandidiri talaga ako, I can’t believe I’m still with this person. Iniisip ko nga, tanga ko naman, o ang laki siguro ng deficit ng pagkatao ko bakit di ko pa kayang iwan siya kahit diring diri ako sa mga ginagawa niya.”

4. They feel disrespected by their husbands by humiliating them in public

“The verbal abuse is like non other because he really has a way of making me feel like an animal. He has no respect whatsoever as he will reprimand me in public or in front of our friends. (Selena).

“At first, i thought sadyang wala lang siyang respect sakin dahil kahit sa public sobrang dali nyang mairita at mag snap ang usually kahit hindi towards sakin yung anger nya feeling ko ako yung sobrang nakakaabsorb ng hostility nya.” (Cheska)

“Kailangan ba talaga pag may itatanong ako sisigaw siya? hindi naman ako bingi. Parang sakin nakakawalan ng respeto, hindi rin siya nahihiya kahit marami tao nkakarinig.” (Rana)

This post aims to validate their feelings and give a sense of feeling that they are not alone, that there are also other women who are experiencing the same situation.

5. They feel depressed.

With the kind of situation that they are in, it is very easy for them to fall into depression.

“I have been very depressed lately because my husband has been blowing up at me for very innocent things. Dunno if Im just getting depressed. I dont feel like eating much, I feel like throwing up. If I didnt know any better Id think I was having morning sickness.” (Selena)

To KC and Helen, they’ve gone to the point of resorting to pills and alcohol to abate their depression.

“Sobrang depressed na ako dati lagi. may suicidal thoughts na nga ako eh. tapos everytime i wake up parang “haaaayy.. another day na naman na ewan.”  I used to take sleeping pills din. kaso nung talagang sasabog na.. yung gusto ko na talaga umiyak and ilabas na yung sama ng loob ko, that’s when i resorted to alcohol.” (KC)

In sharing this post, I wish I was able to validate the experiences of some abused filipina wives. If you are experiencing the same and is feeling stuck in your situation right now, do not hesitate to seek help and counseling. To read more about the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, read Signs Of An Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Relationship

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